Will I ever Write Again?

Will my world ever be the same?

I’ve been paralyzed and totally unable to write. It’s as if I’ve never written a word before and will never write again. Have I said everything I need to say? Or should say? Perhaps I’m treading into spaces that are better left unexplored. Or unexpressed. Is something wrong with me? Perhaps there is but I hate to admit it.

However, I’ve concluded that my lack of being able to write is due to outside circumstances. It’s normal to worry about family members but coupled with getting older, well, too many friends and acquaintances getting sick or dying.

One neighbor and very dear friend has been fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer. She opted to undergo the most aggressive cancer treatment and there were many days she couldn’t get out of bed. Happily, she’s nearing the end of eight months of torture and is feeling much better. Her oncologist gives her good reports and let’s hope he’s right.

Thank goodness, Washington DC permits Medical Aid in Dying. I know, if confronted with the same circumstances, I’d simply throw myself a party surrounded by loved ones and say goodbye on my terms. And for me, that’s a blessing.

At this time, Medical Aid in Dying isn’t legal in New York state. One of my oldest friends, who wants to and will die, is being forced to starve until she takes her final breath. It’s heartbreaking for her friends and family who never expected to be confronted with her body simply shutting down and her not being able to move. And the doctors can’t give a reason for this.

But sickness and death are to be expected. What I never expected was life according to Donald Trump and his cabinet members, who are systematically dismantling the rights and values I care about. When I think it could NOT get worse, it does.

This administration makes me want to crawl under my covers and stay there. I desperately try not to watch television news and have try to moderate my news intake. I cancelled my subscription to the Washington Post when its owner, Jeff Bezos refused to make a presidential endorsement, which the paper had customarily done. But like an addict, I’m incapable of going cold turkey or dramatically cutting back. I’ve simply modified what I am reading and listening to.

I’ve subscribed to numerous (too many) newsletters including Substack’s written by former Washington Post journalists. Podcasts and zoom meetings. Talking heads talking are too much a part of my day and psyche.

I don’t (think) I know anyone who voted for Donald Trump and if I do, they won’t admit it to me. If they did, I hope they don’t sanction the cruelty that he, Steven Miller, Pete Hegseth, Steve Bannon, Pam Bondi, Russell Vought and others are inflicting. The mass deportations are inhumane. How dare ICE agents swoop into cities and collar people, (and children), most of whom, have been contributing members of society, paying taxes and minding their own affairs.

This administration has given people license to voice and spew hate in the most uncivilized ways.

Then there’s Robert Kennedy Jr. who has generations of circumcised men thinking that perhaps their bad behavior can be attributed to being autistic.

Americans should be ashamed. But when I listen (anyway try to) to Fox News, its viewers seem to endorse the mass cruelty. Or pretend it isn’t happening. I forced myself to watch much of Charlie Kirk’s memorial service and realized he was a spokesman for an America I don’t know; one void of brown people, Jews or those who don’t identify as Christians. White people who are told to get married and “have more children than they can avoid and raise them as Christians.

I’m depressed that women’s and reproductive rights are being usurped and relegated to men.

Adding to the list of things that are getting me down is that education is no longer a priority in the US and teaching civics is a thing of the past. The Trump administration is doing everything within its power to whitewash our history.

I can’t even go to the Kennedy Center anymore, something I’ve done since the building opened. I will not pay homage to Trump and his cronies who fired arts experts for the sake of their egos. I have numerous friends who worked there. They wanted to bail, that is before they were fired, for being required to start meetings with a prayer. What happened to the separation of Church and State?

My solution to not feeling so depressed is to surround myself with friends and discuss issues we can, trying not to talk about Trump & Co. I considered leaving the country again and have concluded that for many reasons, it simply does not make sense.

I know I live in a bubble and have decided to go out more frequently to non-Kennedy Center productions. Last night, a few of us went to Georgetown to listen to jazz. It was a beautiful night and so many people were out walking and enjoying the evening.

We encountered numerous members of National Guard who were young and looked lost. In this case, rather than being angry, I really wanted to give them a tour and buy them ice cream. And hope I would be inspired to write again.